Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
