I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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