Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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