his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Vodka?
Forever.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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