If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
