just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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