im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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