I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I think my moral compass just broke
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
