I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
That was an excessively violent trivia night
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
My legs feel like baby dolphins
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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