Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
