I need to stop coming to work sober
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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