I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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