i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
