k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
