all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
