Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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