yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
