some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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