I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
