i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
