it was like having sex with a tree stump
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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