I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
