dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
youre lurking in front of me
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
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