He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
