just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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