I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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