she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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