im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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