fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
