Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
