Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
