I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I cannot find my penis.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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