it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
