I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
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