just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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