I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Randomize
