I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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