Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
