You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
