drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
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