so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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