Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
