I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
