Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
