OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
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