so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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