I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Randomize
