Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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