trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
