i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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