saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
