Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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