we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
