Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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