My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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