I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I deserve this hangover.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
