I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
