just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
