just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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