Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
